From a young age I have struggled with my mental health, my depression is something I have always found really hard to talk about due to the stigma people have towards it.
During most of pregnancy my depression didn’t really rear it’s head fortunately, I was on my medication until my third trimester, when after speaking to my doctor, (I can’t stress enough how much you should speak to your doctor if you are planning come off your anti-depressants) we both decided that it was ok to reduce my dose and then come off of the medication completely as I was feeling well in myself and didn’t want luna taking in the medication into her system if there was no need.
Fast forward to a few hours after luna had been born. I woke up in the delivery suite; everyone had gone home to get some rest as she was born 4.40 am that morning and my labour had been long and eventful to say the least, for the first ten minutes after waking up it didn’t even register that i’d just given birth. It was only when I heard her moving, looked over at her then down at my deflated bump a few times that it clicked in my brain that she was mine. But (and it hurts me so much to say this now) I didn’t feel attached to her like I had while being pregnant with her, i just put it down to the trauma of labour along with alot of other things going on at the time.
Then the old familiar thoughts along with some new ones crept back in, I just kept trying to pretend everything was ok because I was so scared that someone would notice and I had become so paranoid that I was convinced that she would be taken from me and I would never see her again. I’d make excuses not to go out or have certain people visit because I knew they would notice I wasn’t right.
This went on for about two weeks and by then I’d even convinced myself that everything was ok, it wasn’t until I stayed at my grandparents one day that something was finally said, my aunt had luna for a couple of hours during the night as i was struggling with her, and in the morning i stayed in the spare room with luna until midday think I had changed her fed her ect. but when I came downstairs all hell broke lose … my nan told me straight to sort myself out .. slightly harsher then some would but it hit me hard and later on that day I finally admitted to my aunt I wasn’t coping and that at times I wished luna wasn’t here even though I loved her. as soon as I said it, it felt like a huge weight was lifted, there was no judgement or disgust from my aunt, she told me it was ok to feel like this, she knew I loved my little girl but I wasn’t well.
Looking back almost a year on I can’t imagine my life without my Moonpie, our bound is so strong now but if I hadn’t of finally spoken out then who knows where we would be