Just over a month after Moonpie was born, I lost my own mum. she had been ill for a few months but none of us ever expected that we would lose her until it was too late.
Breathing is an effort. Organs go on strike. And then, life lurches forward with a momentum so strong that it defies physics. Suddenly, I found myself lost and alone, suffocating in a world of white noise.
This snippet from an article I read today called ‘9 Things i learned in the year after my mother passed’ (link to the article at the end of the post) perfectly describes how I felt the morning my dad told me my mum had passed away.
But as much as it shames me to say I was also just so angry with her, I felt abandoned just when I needed her the most, who was I going to ask when I had questions, worry or fears about being a parent myself, our relationship wasn’t the best but she was the only consistent parent I’d had.
It was extremely difficult to begin with, everytime moonpie did something new or hit a milestone, i would instinctively pick up the phone to message my mum, and then it would hit me again and just as hard. I would love to say it gets easier but I wouldnt be being honest, but it does become more bearable with time.
And the support network we have now is fantastic, so there’s always someone to talk when I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing.
That fact that my daughter will grow up without my mum or not even remember her and that my mum didn’t get to watch her change from that litte baby into the amazing, funny and extremely cheeky little girl she is today breaks my heart.
But I do have a couple of happy memories of us three together and photos I can show and tell moonpie when she’s older.